I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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