I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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