Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize