he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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