I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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