I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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