Apparently you make a good broom.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
