a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
