Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize