Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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