when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
