I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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