I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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