You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
