Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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