i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
