it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
