the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We were destined to go to rehab together
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
