I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
