i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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