Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
