We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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