It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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