End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
