Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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