GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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