Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
