Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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