woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
