Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
