Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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