The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
