so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize