girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
