so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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