you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
