Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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