His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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