im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
