I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
