Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
