So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
