maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
