Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We're not piercing ourselves today.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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