Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
