I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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