Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
