He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
