Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
it's great music for shaving your balls
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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