I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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