I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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