Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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