and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
