I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
