I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
