I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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